Christmas Songs

I have already blogged about the saddest Christmas songs.  This year, keeping in tradition, I would like to submit to you, twelve of the worst written songs for the 12 days of Christmas.  Here's my list of what's naughty--not nice--when it comes to Christmas songs. I've focused on hard-to-find gems which will ruin your holidays for good. You're welcome.

Ariana Grande - Santa Tell Me
A song about whether or not to give away sex as a Christmas present. The lyrics are an interesting twist on the old Christmas lyrical standard of "I want love for Christmas," and addresses the question... what happens after the mistletoe has been taken down? Is there any guarantee for non-snowy love?
Santa tell me if you're really there
Don't make me fall in love again
If he won't be here next year
Santa tell me if he really cares
Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here next year

She and Him - Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Ahhh, Christmas. Mistletoe, presents, innocence, starlight, rebirth, and date rape.  I will grant you that this cute duet that attempts to be a seduction song. And seduction is sexy and fun when you trust your partner
The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Olivia Newton John - I think You Might Like It
Christmas is happening, you can't stop it, but Lo! I think you might like it .
Here comes my home town
So good to get my wheels down
Im coming home tonight
Here comes that magical spell of Christmas Eve
Theres nothing you can do
But wear your hear upon your sleeve

Justin Beiber - Mistletoe
Beiber uses the word 'shawty' when singing about gathering around the fire, roasting chestnuts, and following his heart like the three wisemen followed the star.  The melody is very similar to Jason Mraz‘s ‘I’m Yours.’ There are also many missed opportunities to make the song rhyme or be more lyrical, but oh well.
I don’t wanna miss out on the holiday
But I can’t stop staring at your face
I should be playing in the winter snow
But I’mma be under the mistletoe


Lady GaGa - Christmas Tree
I typically like Lady GaGa, but I just can't get behind this song.  She equates getting boozzed up to getting lit (like a tree) then reffers to herself as a Christmas Tree. Come on GaGa, get it together!
You oh oh a christmas
My christmas tree is delicious

Wham! - Last Christmas
The song, like many songs of that era, is made up of only one line repeated 500 times.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

Barenaked Ladies - Elf's Lament
This is a despressing song, disguised as a Christmas song. Makes me feel like I'm the 'elf'
Toiling through the ages, making toys on garnished wages
There's no union
We're only through when we outdo the competition

Cyndi Lauper - Christmas Conga
With a tawdry Latin beat it’s a song that would sound more at home during the apocalypse than Christmas dinner.
Bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga
Do the Christmas Conga

Aquadrop - Troll the Halls
No lyrics, but you still might want to rip your ears off.

The Robertson - Ragin' Cajun Redneck Christmas
If you can't make it two minutes in to hear the rednecks touching birthday wishes to Jesus, you might as well not listen at all.
Saw a tree tied up on the hood of a Humvee
Brother Bill at the store ringin' that bell
I throw a little change in his cup so I won't go to hell

RuPaul -All I Want For Christmas
Because let's face it...we don't all live in that Norman Rockwell setting.
All I want for christmas is my liposuction
I want some lipo honey,
I want you to put it all over my body.

Snoop Dogg - Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto
Who doesn't own the album "Christmas on Death Row"?  I like to wear my Santa hat backward when I listen.
Life is so crucial and cold, it's worse for the children
In this world they hopes and dreams can't afford
The young and old churches and spiritual dreams, seasonal things
Heard throughout the ghetto reaches gangstas and dope-fiends, huh