Expectation V Reality

It's that special time of year, when no matter how well you are doing in your daily life, you somehow feel like you aren't because you celebrated improperly and can't live up to society's expectations to have that truly PERFECT Christmas.  The key to a merry Christmas is to keep your expectations as low as possible.
1. The tree
                                   EXPECTATION        VS   REALITY

          

 You didn't have time to cut a fresh pine tree, hike three miles, and pull it in a sled.  You bought it at Target a few years ago, the branches are a little crooked, and most of the ornaments aren't broken.  It's your tree! Unfortunately, it looks like Charlie Brown's tree. At least your wreath is real.

2. Cookies

 Leave a few out for your pets because they are going to make their way to the trash in  few hours while you try to dodge the question "Why didn't Santa eat my cookies?!".  Cookie kits taste like cardboard and sugary glue, and real ones just take too much time.

3. Dinner
You want make cranberry cornbread stuffing and have a turkey that will glisten more than the drool on everyone else's chins.  Instead the table is set with disposable plates, and your dollar store candles smell like snowman tears.

4.  Family
While your coworkers are rushing home to be with their loved ones, you are stuck at work. Again.  They know your family didn't come to visit. But maybe if you are really good, they will give you three days off in a row so that you can spend $800 in air fair to spend 12 hours with your family.  Would it be Grinch-y to tell your sister-in-law that if she was actually a real Buddhist, she wouldn't be eating turkey? 

5. Decorations
It took you 45 minutes to untangle the lights. Then half the strand was burnt out. Then you went to the hardware store, but they said they don't sell replacement bulbs for lights that old. Then you forgot to care. At least you didn't forget to hang the stockings.

6.  After Dinner Walk
You want to bundle up in your favorite sweater, your warmest boots, and your new mittens.  You forget that the sidewalks are a death trap, it's 20* below zero, and your eyes may have just frozen in the open position.

7.  Movie Time
All you want is the cuddle on the couch and watch "Its a Wonderful Life".  Instead, one of you is scrubbing pans, and the other in hunkered down on the couch with a bunch of sugar and MSG instead. And after 3 hours of Hugh Grant, Cary Grant and Macaulay Culkin, it's getting pretty hot and heavy with the bowl of pistachios.

8.  Presents
It's Christmas morning and the smell of disappointment permeates everything. It even overpowers the smell of unscooped cat litter and stale whiskey. All joking aside, I got everything on my wish list, and had a very relaxing evening.  I was very pleased.

Cockroach Clusters

Honeydukes has got nothing on me! I made these lovely dates filled with a cashew filling, topped with raw pecans. Delicious.

Cookies

Gingerbread and sugar cookies with glace icing.

Bay Wreath

The sweet herbal scent of bay leaves is one of the season's most pleasing aromas. The leaves will dry naturally and can be used in cooking throughout the year. In America, dried bay leaves are imported (generally from Turkey) and fresh bay leaves come from California, almost universally. And in fact, the two types of bay leaves are not even directly related.

Air ferns

Christmas Songs

I have already blogged about the saddest Christmas songs.  This year, keeping in tradition, I would like to submit to you, twelve of the worst written songs for the 12 days of Christmas.  Here's my list of what's naughty--not nice--when it comes to Christmas songs. I've focused on hard-to-find gems which will ruin your holidays for good. You're welcome.

Ariana Grande - Santa Tell Me
A song about whether or not to give away sex as a Christmas present. The lyrics are an interesting twist on the old Christmas lyrical standard of "I want love for Christmas," and addresses the question... what happens after the mistletoe has been taken down? Is there any guarantee for non-snowy love?
Santa tell me if you're really there
Don't make me fall in love again
If he won't be here next year
Santa tell me if he really cares
Cause I can't give it all away if he won't be here next year

She and Him - Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Ahhh, Christmas. Mistletoe, presents, innocence, starlight, rebirth, and date rape.  I will grant you that this cute duet that attempts to be a seduction song. And seduction is sexy and fun when you trust your partner
The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Olivia Newton John - I think You Might Like It
Christmas is happening, you can't stop it, but Lo! I think you might like it .
Here comes my home town
So good to get my wheels down
Im coming home tonight
Here comes that magical spell of Christmas Eve
Theres nothing you can do
But wear your hear upon your sleeve

Justin Beiber - Mistletoe
Beiber uses the word 'shawty' when singing about gathering around the fire, roasting chestnuts, and following his heart like the three wisemen followed the star.  The melody is very similar to Jason Mraz‘s ‘I’m Yours.’ There are also many missed opportunities to make the song rhyme or be more lyrical, but oh well.
I don’t wanna miss out on the holiday
But I can’t stop staring at your face
I should be playing in the winter snow
But I’mma be under the mistletoe


Lady GaGa - Christmas Tree
I typically like Lady GaGa, but I just can't get behind this song.  She equates getting boozzed up to getting lit (like a tree) then reffers to herself as a Christmas Tree. Come on GaGa, get it together!
You oh oh a christmas
My christmas tree is delicious

Wham! - Last Christmas
The song, like many songs of that era, is made up of only one line repeated 500 times.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special.

Barenaked Ladies - Elf's Lament
This is a despressing song, disguised as a Christmas song. Makes me feel like I'm the 'elf'
Toiling through the ages, making toys on garnished wages
There's no union
We're only through when we outdo the competition

Cyndi Lauper - Christmas Conga
With a tawdry Latin beat it’s a song that would sound more at home during the apocalypse than Christmas dinner.
Bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga
Do the Christmas Conga

Aquadrop - Troll the Halls
No lyrics, but you still might want to rip your ears off.

The Robertson - Ragin' Cajun Redneck Christmas
If you can't make it two minutes in to hear the rednecks touching birthday wishes to Jesus, you might as well not listen at all.
Saw a tree tied up on the hood of a Humvee
Brother Bill at the store ringin' that bell
I throw a little change in his cup so I won't go to hell

RuPaul -All I Want For Christmas
Because let's face it...we don't all live in that Norman Rockwell setting.
All I want for christmas is my liposuction
I want some lipo honey,
I want you to put it all over my body.

Snoop Dogg - Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto
Who doesn't own the album "Christmas on Death Row"?  I like to wear my Santa hat backward when I listen.
Life is so crucial and cold, it's worse for the children
In this world they hopes and dreams can't afford
The young and old churches and spiritual dreams, seasonal things
Heard throughout the ghetto reaches gangstas and dope-fiends, huh

Maybe

In the very center of the picture you can see a V shaped leafy bit.  I think it might be a blossom.  The texture is different from the broad floppy leaves. They are more compact and upside down or unopened shaped.  I will be keeping a close watch.  I know what I want for Christmas!!!!

Splatoon Hat

This year Dave wanted a hat, similar in style to the characters playing his favorite video game, Splatoon! I think I nailed it.

Danish

1 cup (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt
2 teaspoons dry active yeast
1/2 cup milk (I used 1%)
1/4 cup warm water (like a baby's bath)
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste


Cut a half a tablespoon of butter off the ends of each stick of butter, and set aside.
Cut each stick of butter in half, then cut each half stick lengthwise. Line 4 butter rectangles up side by side on a sheet of lightly floured parchment. Dust with flour, and fold the parchment up and over the butter. Use a rolling pin to lightly pound/roll the butter to a thickness of about 1/4-inch. Repeat with the remaining 4 butter rectangles. Refrigerate the parchment-wrapped butter squares.
Place the flour, sugar, salt, and yeast in a large mixing bowl and stir to combine. Cut in the reserved tablespoon of cold butter, rubbing between your fingertips to fully incorporate. In a large liquid measure, stir the milk, water, egg, and vanilla together. Add the liquid ingredients into the dry and stir together. Knead the dough for approximately 7 minutes in a stand mixer fitted with the dough hook attachment.
Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface, and roll/pat into a rough rectangle shape. (Ideally, the short side of the rectangle should be about the same length as the long side of the butter square in step 2. The long side should be about 3x the length of the short side of the butter square.)
Place one of the butter squares in the center of the dough rectangle. Fold one side of the dough over the butter, and top with the remaining butter square. Fold the other side of the dough over the second butter square. Pinch the sides of the dough together to encase the butter within the dough.
Roll the dough out to a thickness of about 1/2-inch, then fold the dough into thirds, like a letter. Repeat, two more times. Wrap loosely with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight (or for a minimum of 1 hour). LINK

Reindeer Noses

These are just the EASIEST holiday treat you can make. Pretzel squares, a Rolo, and an MM. Unwrap Rolos, place one on top of each pretzel, place in hot oven for 3 minutes until Rolos get a little glossy, remove from oven, use an MM to squish each Rolo. The melty caramel combined with the salty pretzel is a good combo. Other variations include using pecan halves to make mock turtles.